


In the dark backward and abysm of time

by lonlygnome



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Aviophobia, Gen, Mental Breakdown, Minor Character Death, can be read pre-slash, explinations, sharing something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2014-03-27
Packaged: 2018-01-17 05:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1376377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonlygnome/pseuds/lonlygnome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a shuttle crash cuts a bit too close to home for our dear doctor all he wants for one night is to shut off from the world. If only his friend turned room mate wasn't so perceptive."</p><p> </p><p>Title from Shakespeare's "The Tempest"</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the dark backward and abysm of time

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own Trek.

"Bones!  _Boonnneeees!!_ "

A few beats of silence.

"Thank God, I thought you were  _really_ out of it."

Bones doesn't roll over to face him. Hell, it's amazing Jim even noticed he'd woken up. He gives a soft grunt in response to the statement, leaving his eyes unopened to face the blank wall.

"Bones?" It comes out softer, slightly worried, and Jim moves cautiously towards the other side of their small dorm room. Never has Bones been one for mornings, but usually there'd be cursing for waking him up early not silence. "Hey, you alright?"

The bed bows slightly without a sound as Jim perches himself on its edge and studies his friend. It's been  _minutes_ without an answer and he knows Bones hasn't gone back to sleep.

As if waking up to Bones whimpering in his sleep wasn't worry enough.

Slowly reaching a hand over to rest on his friend's shoulder, Jim rolled him slightly, "Bones... what's wrong? Talk to me." If it hadn't come as such a shock Jim would have said something sooner.

His eyes still closed Bones took a deep breath, biting his lower lip in concentration before letting it out and saying softly "let it be kid."

"You're  _crying_ Bones, and you want me to let it be?"

Cracking open his eyelids, ignoring the bright light and look on Jim's face as he rolls his head back to face the wall, he reaches up and wipes at his eyes.

_Dammit._

It's not even like he's gotten a full night’s sleep.

"Jim, please," he says softly, the press of Jim's hand on his shoulder keeping him from rolling back onto his side and putting his back to the world for another few hours.

It hurts Jim to see his friend this way. Even when not armed with a flask of bourbon and a hypospray, Bones is always raging war with the world, not trying to block it all out. Let alone  _crying_. Last time he saw that happen was when they were both off their rockers drunk and talking about their fathers.

Firstly, Bones isn't drunk (or if he was and didn't share with Jim, he's disappointed).

Secondly, he knows for a fact it's nowhere near those anniversaries.

"Is it why you weren't back from shift till a few hours ago?"

Of course Jim's not going to drop it, never been in his nature. Perceptive too, a simple yes isn't going to cut it, and he's been a doctor too damn long to be  _crying_ in the middle of the goddamn night just over that. It was a damn dream, it's  _not_ real.

But it is, old real but still real, and isn't that the kicker.

He doesn't say anything, doesn't know if he can. Just nods slightly and shifts his head to stare at the ceiling so he can press his hands into his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. It's been 18 years dammit, it shouldn't be haunting him.

_Those kids..._

“Bones?” Jim leans over, grabbing one of Leo’s hands and moving it so he could look Bones in the eye, “You still with me?”

When he gets a small nod Jim pulls himself further onto the bed, pressing his back to the wall next to Leo’s head and resting a hand on his shoulder.

“Come on man, what happened?”

Letting out a slow breath Bones finally moves his hands from his eyes and throws one behind his head, the other resting tiredly across his chest as he stares off into space. He’s told Jim about his father, he can tell him about _this,_ but he doesn’t want to endure the whole explanation.

It’s why he’s here- well as a Doctor- it’s the cause of his damn aviophobia.

That’s baring his whole goddamn soul.

Shifting his gaze slightly to catch Jim’s for a moment he lets out a slow breath. “You seen the news about the shuttle crash?” The shake of the head is exactly what he’d hoped would not happen. Now he’s got even more to explain. “Bad one,” he says softly, gaze drifting around the room as he speaks, “eight people died.” There’s a soft “shit” from Jim and Bones just nods slightly as he continues, “Ten at medical in intensive care. Only two got out without surgery.”

Jim tries to interrupt, say something, but Bones continues before he can get a word in.

“I’d just gotten out of a meeting when they brought in the last two.” He pauses and takes a deep breath, curling his fingers and wishing he has a glass, “They were just kids. Got rushed off to do surgery on the boy before I got to look over the girl. M’Benga got put with her.”

He pauses for a second, blinks, then rolls over quickly trying to find his comm. “I need to comm him,” he mutters under his breath, “need to comm him. Where the hell is it dammit!?!?”

“Bones! _Bones_.”Jim grabs his friends shoulders as Bones sits up to jump out of bed to hunt down his comm and holds Bones still as he shifts to look his friend in the eye. “Hey, he can wait a few minutes, tell me what’s wrong. You _suck_ at consoling people to begin with.”

Bones snorts softly and rolls his eyes, “I ain’…” before being interrupted by Jim.

“You’re going to snap any second Bones and you _can’t_ do that when trying to talk to M’Benga of all people.”

Opening and closing his mouth a few times without coming up with a response to that Bones drops his head and lets out a thick huff. “She died Jim, dammit.”

“And you kept the boy alive right? _Right?_ ” he asks strongly, forcing Bones to look up at him, “You did a good job Bones.”

The look from Bones is lost, distraught. He knows he saved him, saved the boy from dying or living life without the use of his legs, but he didn’t _save_ him. That would have taken M’Benga pulling a miracle.

“Come on Bones, she wasn’t your patie…”

“They were _siblings,_ Jim.”

His throat closes and before Jim can figure out how to respond to that, Bones’s mind decides to say ‘fuck it’ and he breaks down, leaning into Jim as tears start flowing again. “Just kids an’ he lost his sister….” He knows he’s babbling and fucking sobbing all over Jim. Not exactly his best moment but once Jim’s fully processed what Bones said his arms wrap around his friend.

All things are not forgiven or understood, just accepted.

“Bones?” It comes out softly after a few minutes and Bones shifts his head slightly against Jim’s chest, refusing to move back from the small source of comfort and grounding, “What happened?”

“I told you, kid.”

“No,” Jim shakes his head slowly, “You told me what happened today. What happened to _you?_ ”

He really needs to come up with a good way to curse Jim’s perceptiveness. Though granted something as simple as that turning him into a sobbing mess? Especially when he wasn’t the one to lose the patient? It’s pretty damn clear there is more to the story.

After a few moments of desperately hoping Jim will let it be and attempting to come up with a way to explain knowing he won’t, Bones pulls back in silence, refusing to meet Jim’s gaze. He peels off the regulation t-shirt and turns slightly, one hand moving to track its thumb over a scar mid-back along his spine. “I had a sister, too.”

Jim can’t do much more then gape at him for a few moments. A sister? How the hell didn’t he know Bones had a sister?

Had, _had_ a sister.

That might explain it. Why didn’t he tell him? Wasn’t a sibling something you’d share before all that other crap? Bones _a brother_? He fights back the urge to ask why the hell he wasn’t aware of this. Now is far from the time to feel hurt by something like that.

“What happened?”

Bones drops his head and sighs softly as he brings his hand around to run them through his hair. A lot happened, and hell he doesn’t remember half of it. They were alone, they were happy. Then there was noise and fire.

After a few moments Jim shifts forward and cautiously pulls Bones back to rest against his chest again. The fact that his friend is still silent worries him, maybe he shouldn’t have pushed.

“You don’t have to tell me…” he starts apologetically.

Bones shakes his head as he shifts and throws an arm around Jim, ignoring that this wasn’t a position he wanted to be caught in. “’s a long time ago,” he murmurs softly, shifting again until he was comfortable and resting his ear against Jim’s chest, “was only 12 when it happened.”

Mind stalling for a moment, Jim stares down at Bones. He knew the past few years had not been kind, but childhood? He’d always assumed Bones had a good one. Maybe between Tarsus and Frank that was easy but losing someone-

His heart goes out to Bones already and he gets the hint there is more to come.

“Finally got permission from our parents to go out to my Gran’s just the two of us. No parental supervision on the shuttle, little kids’ dream really. Jus’ me an’ Donna an’ a two hour shuttle ride. Always ‘d though flyin’ was the coolest thing.”

He pauses and snorts, giving Jim just enough time to say, “Friendly terms with flyin’ Bones? What were you?”

“Ya, look at me now kid. Anyways, was goin’ well for most of the flight. Hit some turbulence, an’ this is long ‘nough ago that ‘t was still a big damn deal.” He pauses for a moment, wiping fresh tears away. Years have passed and he can still picture the look on his sister’s face when he kissed her on the forehead for the last time before turning back to his seat. The look as they tried to grab for each other’s hands as they crashed.

Just screams and fire and pain.

He closes his eyes, clenches a hand because he has relived the flames once and the after twice in the past day; he doesn’t need to do it again and Jim’s saying something Bones doesn’t catch.

He was done with fucking shuttles, with flight, after that. At least, he thought so until his life went to hell again and the stars were his only option. Eventually he notices that Jim stopped talking and he forces his eyes open, forces himself to look at Jim.

“Decided I wan’ed ta be a doctor after tha’. I came out of it with nothin’ but a scar on my back an’ a few months of physical therapy while my sis died in surgery.”

“Noble cause, Bones.”

He swallows, nods slightly, “Maybe so, Jim, but that kid’s going to grow up always wonderin’ if he couldn’t have done something to save his sister.” Then he turned his head away.

Jim’s silent for a few moments, taking in everything he learned, before slowly sitting up and dragging Bones with him. Turning to face Bones, feet tucked underneath him, when the older man is no longer pressing him into the bed, he takes his friends head into his hands.

“Bones, listen to me. Maybe you and M’Benga couldn’t give the kid back his sister, that’s one hell of a task, but you gave him a life to help others. Do what you’re doing in one way or another. Don’t you go letting the bad hide the good from you.”

Bones stays silent, studying Jim for a few moments as the last of the tears dry on his cheeks. He’s a pessimist at heart and nothing will change that. Maybe if his life hadn’t been what it had turned out to be, McCoy would be better at that, but he can’t change it, _wouldn’t_ change it.

But the kid does have a life, one he can do anything with. Hell, maybe he’ll get better without aviophobia and become a pilot, maybe he’ll go to med school like he had, maybe he’ll stay home and run a grocery store. Bones will never know exactly where the kid goes, but he still has the options to go wherever he wants.

Dropping his head slightly, Bones smiles (though faintly) for the first time since leaving intensive care. Just like Jim to have a good point and be able to drag him out of a hole no matter how deep.

“Thanks Jim,” he says softly, meeting Jim’s gaze, _for everything_. Taking a deep breath, he shifts and swings his legs off the bed, leaning over the limbs before standing up and stretching. “I need to call Geoffrey, alright?”

He turns to snag his shirt and comm, catching a fond smile on Jim’s face as he nodded. Shrugging on his shirt, Bones laid a gentle hand on Jim’s shoulder before turning to leave the dorm.

“Bones!” He pauses, turning his head back to Jim with the door half-open. “She’d be proud of you.”


End file.
